you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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