I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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