i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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