there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
