He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
