Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
