3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
third nipple confirmed
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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