My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize