its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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