Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
