Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
