I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
