u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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