He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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