Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
