i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
