4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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