I cannot find my penis.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
