; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
