sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
