dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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