Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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