Dual....:-)
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
