Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
