3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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