you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize