i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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