we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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