mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
