So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
