Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
