every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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