You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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