highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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