I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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