i always forget guys have bellybuttons
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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