If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
