My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
