Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
