so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
