i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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