So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
