You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
