is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
