If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
