she told me i tasted like america
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize