remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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