my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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