He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
