your parents love me but you hate me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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