i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
