I got chris browned last night
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize