how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
