i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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