If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
