you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
