Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
