you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
