I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
