Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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