My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize